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Campaign Quotes Assorted Zaniness These are some of the most memorable and favorite quotes from the gaming sessions in which I've participated. I have several loose note files stretching back eleven years. Eventually, I will offer the best ones that can stand on their own. —SilverDragon Most Recent Additions (7/27/2002)"Discomfort is good for the soul. I feel that you are in need of extreme discomfort at this juncture in your life." —Bram Regnarson to a captured Kraanicher psion "I'm going on the assumption that he's a bad guy. If he's not, don't lets kill him!" (muttering) "I hate confusion." —Copper "Dark Schniedar was right; nature stinks. Fortunately, you get used to it. Then, it's just natural." —Rik Wintersleet, half-elf druid "Of course we can't trust him! He's the guy we were sent to kill!" —Copper Slightly less recent additions"Oh, yeah! I have an attack bonus because I have a class!" —Sir Norris Black "... and he's holy! He attracts holiness! Like so many... iron filings! (schlcht!)" —Even, about Calvin the cleric "Is
it dark?" —Princess Orarri "I can sleep fine, as long as nothing's bumping or grinding." —Ted the Mechanic "I shut the hatches." (beep boop noise) —Bob "Aim! For the love of God, Aim!" —Bob, urging Ted to keep the Mr. Fusion and the inside of the tank clean. "Did
I lasso the cup?" —Ted "We have a dead Horst. Don't beat him!" —DM (lame obvious joke) "No! You can't get a Nerf chainsaw!" —DM "Math bad! Hulk smash!" —any number of players in this group "Math bad! Um... carry the 3...." —Even "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I'm half crazy, covered with demon goo!" —Gretchen (to the tune of a bicycle built for two) "Not
everyone keeps their genitals in the same place!" —Pat "Why'd
you join the army?" "A sound of a thousand hobbits on bicycles, pedalling away, shakes the ground!" —Even, DM "There is no condition so vile that Dark Schnyder's mere presence cannot exacerbate it beyond belief!" —Roxy Candleflame "While we're here, can I get a succubus as a henchman?" —DS (who else?) "The
brain golem stumps toward Jurgen and PUNCHES! Jurgen flies across the
room, upending the card table, and smacks against the wall, unconscious!"
—DM "You need a bard to turn a phrase. That's why I like having Jann around. Lesser phrases are instantly destroyed in his presence!" —DS Fighting the Brotherhood of Thought"In
a couple of rounds, she'll have to change out her barrel!" Jann says,
referring to Kzin Friday's high rate of HAR autofire. "Follow me, my legions! For Glory!" DS to the orog soldiers over the external hovertank speakers. "Tell him to nod his turret so we'll know it's him," Jann, referring to Talon in the other hovertank. "I sell my head and it's a big deal, she goes through Patriarchs like toilet paper!" Dark Schnyder, comparing the time he had Friday cut off his head for the bounty to Queen Anissette's more heroic exploits. Dungeoneering Encounters with Green SlimeCharlie casts a manaball spell, sort of like a fireball without the fire. "Manaballs? What good are they gonna do? Fluffy bread cakes aren't gonna do much in this situation!" —DS "Wow, Wonder Bread!" "Fortified with 14 essential vitamins!" This leads to a further discovery of the adventuring uses of food: Potato golem, dungeon spuds. "Dungeon spuds! Cheerful little dungeon spuds! Not quite so hardy as lentils, but pretty good anyway! Heals one hit point per meal cooked with them! Don't poke their eyes out!" —party in general "Is it a rounded heap or a peaky heap?" Charlie, referring to a dung heap in the middle of a cave. DS makes his poo-detection and identification roll. Kzin Friday
gets turned into green slime, and reaches for Dark Schnyder. "Bad
kzinti slime! Bad!" —DS "If I'd have set him on fire, he would of lived!" Jann, bemoaning the green sliming of Kzin Friday and realizing that Friday had fire resistance before being slimed. "Hey, how's it going, Jann?" Jann says to his future self time duplicate. "I would shake your hand, but one of us would disappear!" Jann replies, to himself. "Okay, who leads and who gets a sponge bath?" DS, threatening a fly demon captive with holy water. Eventually, DS's time duplicate pops and Dark Schnyder kretches himself. "When I think about it, I kretch myself!" General Comments on Adventuring in Smeisserand"Spiders are tough!" —Charlie, after smashing a mechaspider against the wall, with 24 strength, to no avail (sung to the tune of Ring Around the Rosy) "Ring around the mecha, we're a gonna getcha! Grounded, grounded, you all short out!" —Gretchen/Charlie "Nature! Nature! It's the land! If it can't do it, no one can!" —a Dark Schniedar nature cheer "Nature! Nature! It's the sky! Best behave or you'll fry, fry, fry!" —another Dark Schniedar nature cheer "I used to have more hats and sashes, but that was before the Forbidden Lands, thank you very much! Adventuring is extraordinarily hard on the wardrobe!" —Jann, bemoaning his wardrobe casualties "Yeah,
well I went to the biff, and when I came back, we "If
a strange religion offers you candy and power, REFUSE!" warned Dark
Schnyder. General Quotes"I've been bored by the best. After that, everything is alertness." —Maia "What time is it? Midmorning? Aha! That means I have the rest of the day to live through!" —Ith "Make a hit roll with the grapply thingy to hit the monster bus." —DM "Ouch!" said the naked, scorched woodchuck, considering his hat. "Guys? Guys? Ernh! (thump)." —poor, innocent, remaining goblin "Hmm. The little warning label says, 'Do not look directly into the color spray.'" —Astocles "I'm still looting the chieftain's thingy," says Klatisch. Giggles ensue. "Silence!" Even roars at the other players. "Did
we get any XP yet?" Klatisch, the dwarf technomancer, had a central idea--everything burns. His favorite trick was to fill dead rats with flammable oil, and then to light the "fuse" (cleverly disguised as the rat's tail) and throw the "Molotov Rat" at his opponents. This, of course, gave rise to many rat and fire jokes at his expense. "I stake
it down," says Klatisch, referring to the dead rat. "Note to self: Make sure the rat lands!" —Klatisch "Mom! Klatisch is on fire again!" —Ith "What is the capacity of a giant inferno rat?" —Klatisch "I'll give him a flask of oil and bum him a rat 'til payday." —Ith "I thought
they'd split up!" whined Klatisch. As a technomancer, Klatisch also liked to build contraptions to hurl his flaming rodents great distances. In this example, he was trying to explain to Astocles, an elven theosopher, what part to play in the plan. One should also note Astocles' penchant for teasing the dwarf. Mergatroid is Astocles' elven cat familiar. "So….
I all I need you to do is launch it. You take this over here, and you
(blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah)…. Okay?" Klatisch asked
Astocles. Another character that provided plenty of material for jokes and wisecracks is Dark Schniedar, a druid turned wizard who did not really appreciate the druidly outlook on life. He wonders why the other druids don't appreciate him. Read some of these and see whether you can figure it out. Incidentally, Dark Schniedar is played by the same player as Klatisch, above. Go figure. Also, go figure the spelling. "Pass without trace; why there are no toilets in druids' groves." —DS "Woodlands stink!" —DS "Damn! I wish my beetle was right side up!" —Dark Schnyder, referring to the giant beetle he had been using as a flying mount. "Oh yeah, Jocko! All you lost was your wagon! I lost my clothes, all my shit, and got my wanker painted pink! Don't whine about me turning the lights out on you!" —DS referring to the Forbidden Lands losses. "I don't know where you magic bitches came from, but your pixie drinks are great!" —DS "Ah
yes, but druids are a different sort of animal," says DS. "Nature has no Yellow #5." —DM "Keep on! Nature's not calling! I know!" —DS "Bupcus! But it's good bupcus! I'll be charging top dollar for this bupcus. Someday when I'm 12th level, I'll have a hoard of bupcus." —DS "And
I 'Hyaah!' my horse! Thataway!" said Dark Schnyder. Uta, the barbarian ranger, has a big axe, mighty thighs, and a very disturbing fighting style. On several occasions, she has chopped off a foe's leg with massive damage (and a called shot…) and then used the severed leg to bludgeon the remaining, terrified opponents. The psychological effect of this is astounding (both on the NPC's and the players)! "I want your leg! Give it to me!" —Uta, threatening a half-elf with mighty axe. The half-elf's eyes grow wide as dinner plates. "No, I'm not hitting on you, Uta. That would require a plank!" —DS "If ever you're sucked underground, dig your elbows in!" —Barbarian bootcamp drill sergeant "Don't look know, but there's a basilisk outside!" —Vanadyl Then there was the cheerful Necromancer, Max Damaje, and his friends. "Well, hanging around with skeletons, you're jonesing for anything with thighs." —Max, probably referring to tales of the barbarian, Uta, in the next county. "Money's no object when it comes to copper-plating your henchmen!" —Max "Skull, off!" —Nicholas (followed immediately by) "Erk! (thump)." Another reason you shouldn't speeze with a whom-whom. "I woke up in a sack, in a holy place." —Max, recounting his unexpected restoration from the dead. "Note to self: Do not park a combustible henchman under a coconut tree." —Max, after one his henchmen (skeletons) was detonated by a falling coconut. Max had placed Skull-bomb spells on the skeletons. "There
goes your skeleton." —DM "Careful there, boy!" threatened Max. "Those squishy bits come right off!" "Oh,
yeah. So I can summon things and watch them pop!" —Max
Dammage, upon learning that creatures summoned to the Positive Material
Plane fill with energy and incandesce within a few rounds Other General Quotes"When you're God, you don't have to be subtle." - probably from Even, playing Dark Schniedar "It's okay to tinker with the fundamental forces of nature, but leave the bits alone!" —Albert Onemug, Dwarven Technomancer, probably referring to something DS proposed. "The nice thing is, now you have two shots to do no damage!" —DM, cheerfully responding to a specialized character without a magic sword "Yes! He casts blindness! That's…. Oops. Ahh… poop!" —DM, remembering that the target of the Saurmann's spell has a ring of spell turning, and failing the save, as the players laugh. "Anybody got a tweezers?" —naked, singed, hot, tired, be-shrapneled kzin Hero. "You can lead a horse to rat, but you can't make him think." "Once
we were the kings of the camp, we loved to have our fun. "I no longer fear the Pit, for I have been molested by kenku!" —the Amazing Daisuke Gobble - the goblinoid language Down in the
valley, valley so low, "Cure serious horse boogers or fall to your horse-boogery thunking death!" —Vanadyl "I like the concept of pilfering dwarves." —Erik "Smurfs? Smurfs taste like blueberry cheesecake. Why do you ask?" —Vanadyl "I do speak vole, as a matter of rat." —Roger (If in doubt, it's Roger's fault…) "Saving throw for the lentils is [rolling]…. a 3! But lentils are hardy." —DM "Kill 'em all and let Kretch sort 'em out!" —DM, referring to the Kretch's Copious Coin Counter spell "First we cut him loose, then we tie him up." —Jann, referring to a orcish prisoner caught in an entangle spell "That door's not only wizard locked, it's Bard!" —Jann, securing a door with spells (and punishment for any who enter) "Natural cats can teleport. She's not a natural born cat. C'mon! Game balance!" —Doug, referring to the polymorphed Lucky "It's only six dice, how long can that take to add up?!" —Doug "I'll just have to aim for their heads, then, 'cause I want their clothes!" —Dark Schniedar “Sure, we respect the dead – if they have good stuff.” – Dark Schniedar Last updated
09-Aug-2004 |